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Monday, February 18, 2013

Will this Battle Ever End?

It's been nearly 14 months.  Some days I really wonder if my life will ever be normal again.  What is normal anyway?  There are days I feel so good, I get out and do something fun or get my house clean and feel good about myself.  Days when my hair looks great and my new makeup tricks are awesome, my clothes rock, my husband and I are laughing and happy, our son is adorable and fun.  So why is it that through all this good I keep going back down again.  Crying for no reason, feeling sorry for myself, lonely, missing people that are right beside me, feeling worthless and unloved?  I hate this roller coaster I'm on and can't get off it.  Meds only work for so long and then comes a monthly cycle and it knocks me back into this emotionless person.  I have lost the anger and outbursts, but I can't function now.  I'm always tired except after 10pm.  I sleep all day and am up all night with insomnia.  I hate that I can't seem to go to bed when my son does or even by 11pm and just sleep.  I hate that when he needs me to play and be awake I just pass out on the couch and I'm not even awake enough to watch or care for him sometimes.  I know he's probably hungry for a snack or a drink and he's playing by himself.  I know he's watching too much TV because it's sometime to keep him quiet so I can rest.  I feel horrible for all this.  I feel like crap when my house looks bad and my hubbie's clothing is never clean or folded.  I don't feel like cleaning house and it piles up until he's home to help me get it done.  This isn't his job though it's mine.  I feel like we never have enough romance.  Like he doesn't want me as much as I want him.  I feel like I'm a horrible wife and mother no matter how hard I try.  Sometimes I feel trapped in life and just want to be a carefree teenager again.  Other times I love it and don't ever want to leave my house.  Some days I want to be an awesome mom and take my son out to play or see new things.  Other times I'm too afraid to try to drive anywhere because it's a scary world out there.  I talk to my family and miss them so much.  Then other times I'm glad I'm so far away because they can also make me feel worse about my body and my life.  I just get so mixed up I don't know what to do.  I'm not organized enough, I don't know the answers or the solutions to fixing this.  I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and scared of changing medications because I know it's another long road of weeks of trying to get it right and feel better.  I need therapy but don't know where to really turn or what I'd say.  This battle sucks and I swear I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  If anyone out there is reading this and has advice or wants to talk please feel free.  I need friends.  I wish I had one person that was there to really support me.  Make me get up and get going.  Help me get out and about and invite me along to things and bug me til I show up to them.  Help me get back on my feet and live life again.  I feel like all my friends abandon me and don't try to help.  If they were ever really friends at all.  I get out sometimes but once a month or every 6 months doesn't help.  And it's not always girl's nights that I want, I want kid time too.  Time to play with my son and others.  I'm great at coming up with every excuse possible not to show up.  I need pushed into it.  And that's scary because that's so NOT my personality.  What happened to the life of the party?  That girl that was so social and fun.  She's turned into a lazy pj wearing hermit.  I NEVER wore sweats in public before I had a baby.  I never ever stayed in all day when I could be out.  What happened to me?  PPD has destroyed Rachel and replaced her with someone I don't know or recognize.  When will it end?  How much longer do I have to live like I'm trapped in someone else's mind?  It hurts and it's not fun.  Spring needs to hurry up and get here so I can go outside and I need a friend or someone to help me.  Please someone just help....I'm feeling so alone and down.  Even with Jesus, it's just so hard.

1 comment:

  1. Rachel - I am so sorry you are having such difficulties. First and foremost I will be praying for you - for peace, comfort, joy and reassurance that God's blood of protection will give you relief. Secondly, you need to find a therapist - counseling is so very important in the success of the meds. There are Christian Counselors - there are those that are better than others. Check with your insurance for referrals available in network so that you are not stuck with unwanted expense. You might also check and see if you have an EAP benefit (employee assisted program)- some employers have set aside a certain # of therapy visits at no cost to the employee/dependent each year...Hibernating at home is not helping for sure. Since I work from home and often spend all five days from 7am to 6pm totally alone, verbally talking to total strangers (maybe 3-4) for 10 minutes on the phone and lots of email talk, I feel I can relate somewhat - I find myself getting depressed. I have to literally make myself leave for an hour or so - drive to Bethany or Lamoni just to get face2face with another human and see and feel a smile - can do wonders for me. I'm going to bluntly ask you - have you had any thoughts of harming yourself in any way or harming others? Love you Rachel - I am praying for you honey...Debbie


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